“Why are you so kind and understanding with Wendy, but not with me? Why did you comfort her, but never with me? Why did you push me away, when all I wanted to do was be there for you when Abel was kidnapped?” Tara asked Jax, as she sat on her front step next to him. “How could you sleep with her, just because we had one little argument?”
Jax blinked, after hearing her questions and accusations. “What the fuck are you talking about, Tara?”
“You wanted to know why I left you, so I’m telling you,” she pointed out. “Answer those questions, then you might get your answers.”
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to ask me,” he frowned. “I was kind with Wendy because she’s Abel’s mother. She had just found out about her son. How could you fault me for that? I felt like I was the only one who could understand what she was really going through,” he explained. “And I don’t know when you thought that we have slept together because I don’t seem to recall it,” he struggled to remember.
Then, it hit him. How could he have forgotten? To him, it was easy to forget. They had turned to each other out of need. It had meant nothing to him. How had she found out about the night of Donna’s wake? Had Wendy mentioned something to her? No wonder Tara had dumped him, he figured. He knew what he had to do. He had to do some pretty fast talking in order to try to convince her.
“I’m sorry, Tara,” he apologized, as guilt gripped him like a two-ton weight. It ripped his heart in two. “I know that words aren’t enough. But I didn’t realize what I was doing to you or to me. I’m sorry.”
“No matter what you say or how often you apologize; it doesn’t excuse the way you treated me,” she replied, angrily. “When Abel went missing-did you ever think that I might want or need some comfort too?” She shook her head, ‘no’. “Did you think that I might want to comfort you?” Again, she shook her head, ‘no’. “No, all you wanted was for me to leave you alone. You pushed me away, as if it were my fault that Abel was kidnapped,” she explained, her eyes full of tears. “I’m not even going to talk about what happened between you and Wendy. I know that we had a fight that night, so I’m at fault too. But the fact remains…how could I trust you after all of that? I don’t think that I can do this anymore. Your actions proved to me that you don’t really need or care about me nearly the same way I care about you.”
She burst into tears next to him; sad and disappointed by how things had ended up. Jax tried comforting her again, but she jumped up and put her hand on the door knob of her door; prepared to enter.
“Don’t touch me. I can’t look at you right now. We both have a lot to be sorry for Jax, but things are definitely over between us. I don’t want to see you ever again,” she cried. She entered the house and closed the door, leaving Jax sitting on the front step all alone.
He sat there for awhile and remembered all of what Tara had told him. He felt a tremendous amount of guilt. He had a bad taste in his mouth. His misconceptions about what had happened were suddenly destroyed by how Tara thought of things. Had he really pushed her away? Had he taken her for granted? Why hadn’t he noticed that she was in some kind of pain too? Was he that selfish, that he had pushed away the one person who mattered the most? He slowly got up, feeling sick to his stomach.
There was only one thing left to do. He was going to go to the club and get good and stinking drunk. He was going to volunteer to do whatever job was the most dangerous and illegal. It didn’t matter what happened to him now. In trying to do what he had thought, at the time, was the right thing; he had lost the one person who he had loved the most.
He drove away from Tara’s house, knowing that this would be the last time he would ever see her again. The future stretched out before him was long, sad and depressing.
Jax sat in the clubhouse, where he had been drinking for awhile; when Gemma came in. She saw him sitting there and her heart broke for him. Clay had called her office and told her that Jax was drinking himself into a stupor. She had called Tara right away to find out why. Tara had told her (while crying her own heart out) that she had told Jax the real reasons why she had left him.
It hurt Gemma to see both of them this way. Tara was at home crying. Jax was drowning his sorrows in booze. She needed to do something and fast.
She approached her son, both cautiously and with sympathy. She knew what it was like to have your heart ripped in two. She had never wanted to see her son go through something like this. That had been one of the reasons why she had never liked the fact that he had fallen in love with Tara to begin with. She had known back then, that Tara would be the one person to break her little boy’s heart.
She couldn’t fault Tara for her feelings either. Jax had pushed her away, when Tara had been only trying to help. Tara wasn’t at fault for what happened with Abel. She knew that Tara had good reasons for breaking things off. It made her sad. Wendy was a bitch and the sooner she was out of the picture, it would be better for all involved.
“Hey, honey,” she sat down next to him. “Kind of early to be drinking, isn’t it?”
“Fuck off, mom,” he replied, trying to dismiss her. He wanted to be left alone. He didn’t want any company right now, even if it was his own mother.
“I know that you’re angry and sad, but still…that’s no way to talk to your mother,” she replied. “I should have washed out your mouth with soap years ago.”
“Oh, since when do you care?” Jax asked, sarcastically. He turned to look at her. “What are you doing here anyways? Shouldn’t you be working?”
“I am…but Clay called me and told me to come over here. He thought I could reason with you,” she explained, shrugging her shoulders.
Jax swore under his breath. “Clay should learn to mind his own business,” he replied.
“And you should learn something about women,” Gemma retorted, angrily. “Women are different creatures. Do you really think that Tara isn’t the same? She’s a woman too. You messed up, honey. Big time. What the hell were you thinking, when you slept with that no-good druggie again?” She asked.
“I’m assuming that you’re talking about Wendy?”
“Yes, I’m talking about Wendy!” She replied. “How could you be so stupid?”
“Look mom…I don’t want to talk about this. Don’t you think that I feel guilty about it enough as it is? Don’t you think that I’ll regret that until the day I die?” He pointed out. “It cost me Tara. Don’t you think that I realize that I made a huge mistake?” He paused. “Mom…I’ve lost her.”
Suddenly, Jax did something that surprised everyone else in the room. He burst into tears in front of them. It wasn’t what those in the club wanted to see from the V.P. They watched him with alarm and apprehension.
Gemma took Jax into her arms and held him. He cried into her shoulder.
“I’ve lost her, mom. I can’t do this,” he cried. His body shook with tremors throughout his whole body.
“Don’t be silly, honey,” she tried comforting him. “It’s not the end of the world. You could still win her back.”
Jax raised his head and stared at her. “You really think so? You weren’t the one who saw her face when she told me that she didn’t want me to see her ever again.”
“Honey,” she sighed. “She loves you. She’s hurting. You’re hurting. You love her too, don’t you?” she asked.
“Of course I do,” he replied. “Other than you and Abel, she’s the only one I’ll ever truly love.”
“There’s still a chance then. You could try to win her back.”
“How do you think I could do that? I feel like I don’t deserve her. She deserves someone who’s better than me.”
“Of course you don’t deserve her. But that only means you have to prove it to her that you do. You have your father’s heart. You’re a good man and a son that I’m proud of. You deserve to be happy. But first, you can’t win her back if you’re drinking yourself blind. I want you to stop drinking. I want you to go home to shower and change. You can’t do anything until you’ve cleaned yourself up.”
Jax studied his mother for a long time. “You have some kind of plan don’t you?”
Gemma smiled. “You know me too well,” she agreed. “Now, I’m going to take you home. You’re going to sleep this off. Tomorrow, you and I will start to put my plan into motion.”
“What about Wendy?” Jax asked, suddenly remembering her. “She could be a problem.”
“Let me worry about poor Wendy,” she winked at him. “Your job is to worry about Tara and Abel. Now here’s my plan…”
After she revealed her plan to Jax, he was feeling a little bit better. If there was one thing he knew, Tara was stubborn. He hoped that Gemma’s plan would work. If it didn’t…well, he refused to think about it. It was the only thing keeping his hopes alive. He needed Tara back in his life and in his home. It was where she belonged.
Tara needed her hair trimmed and styled. She went into the hair salon for her appointment. She groaned when she entered and noticed Wendy sitting in one of the chairs waiting to be served. She sat down across the room from her, afraid that if she sat any closer, it would only encourage Wendy to talk to her. It didn’t.
Wendy switched places and sat down right next to her.
“So, how are things going with Jax?” Wendy asked her, already knowing the answer. “I guess not great, huh?” She had a smug expression on her face.
“Go away Wendy,” she sighed. She didn’t want to get into this with her, and definitely not in a public establishment. “You know…I decided to leave him, not the other way around.” She pointed out.
“Oh, I know. Have I thanked you yet?” Wendy agreed happily.
“You know, gloating isn’t an attractive trait, if you know what I mean. I’m surprised that you think that I care.”
“Oh, you care,” Wendy replied, knowing the truth. “You just refuse to acknowledge that Abel is a bond between Jax and me that you can’t possibly break. Give up. Move on. I bet you wished that you were me.”
Tara laughed and shook her head. “I could never wish to be you. A drug user. An addict. I bet you’re proud of the fact that Abel’s birth was a miracle because of you. How was rehab by the way? I see that they couldn’t rehabilitate your personality.”
“I’m not saying that I’m perfect,” she replied. “I’m only saying that my bond with Jax can never be erased. I’m Abel’s mother. Jax and I will always have a connection. What do you have?”
Tara was speechless for a few moments. Wendy made it difficult to hold a polite conversation. She was this close to walking out and leaving her hair appointment for some other time. She hated the fact that it seemed like Wendy was only using Abel as a means to hold on to Jax. “I can’t believe that you are proud of the fact that you would use a baby to hold on to him. That’s low…even for you.” She shook her head in disbelief.
“Hey, I’m not admitting anything. But if I were you…I’d run and keep running. Know when to quit. Jax is mine now. You will never get him back.”
“Do you honestly think that I want him back after you’ve slept with him? Who knows where you’ve been?” Tara gagged so that Wendy could see. “I hope that you get yourself tested regularly.”
Wendy laughed, enjoying their wordplay. “Trust me, I do. Jax isn’t an angel either and we both know it. I wonder how many other women he’s slept with besides us?” She speculated.
Tara hated the fact that Wendy had a point there. How things were run in the club was full of double standards. The man could cheat all he wanted to, but God forbid if his woman tried to do it too. They looked at their women as possessions; who they could order around and use as they saw fit. It was a backwards kind of society, which reminded Tara that maybe she was making the right decision after all?
The hairdresser called Wendy’s name. Wendy stood up and followed her. Soon, Tara’s own name was called. They sat in chairs next to each other. They pretended to ignore each other and kept glancing at each other in the mirrors. Tara heard Wendy tell her hairdresser how and what she wanted. She was going to have her hair colored.
Suddenly, she got a brilliant idea. Since Wendy obviously didn’t take her seriously, then she would point out to her, how serious she actually was. Tara told her hairdresser that she wanted to use the washroom before they got started.
She went to the back and found the area where they kept hair colors and supplies. Tara grinned, as she noticed a tube that had Wendy’s name on it. She picked it up and found another bottle. She mixed them together, so that the color would be something unusual. She sat the bottle back down again.
As her hairdresser worked, they exchanged small talk. Tara grinned, when she noticed that it was time for Wendy’s hairdresser to apply the color that she had mixed in the back. She wanted to hang around until Wendy saw the final result.
It was wicked and mean, but Gemma had taught her well. It would be something that she would do if she were in Tara’s shoes.
They washed, cut and styled her hair. Soon, Tara was done, but she pretended to look over the merchandise in the salon. Should she get some special shampoo or some hairspray? She waited around for when Wendy would be finished with hers.
She heard Wendy scream. She grinned, as everyone in the salon turned to look over at her. She had to laugh…Wendy’s hair was now a nice shade of blue. It made Tara happy. As if knowing who was behind it, Wendy turned to look over at her with a shocked and horrified expression on her face. Tara waved goodbye and laughed. Satisfied that she’d had the last laugh, she left the hairdressers’ and headed towards the garage where Gemma worked.
This was something that she had to tell Gemma in person. She couldn’t wait.
She drove into the parking lot and noticed that Jax’s bike wasn’t around. That was good, she thought. She didn’t have to worry about seeing him. She knocked on the door to Gemma’s office.
“Come in,” Gemma called out. She looked up and smiled when she noticed Tara standing there. “Hi, how are you?” She greeted her. “Have you come up with any ideas about you-know-who?” she wondered.
“Even better, you won’t believe what I just did…” Tara told her everything that had happened at the salon.
Gemma burst out laughing. “Oh my God,” she exclaimed in between fits of laughter. “I’m proud of you, sweetie.”
“You know Gemma, I’m proud of myself too. I didn’t think that I was so devious and mean, but it feels good.”
“I know,” she winked at her. “It’s a satisfying feeling.” She paused. “Hey, what are your plans later?”
“Nothing, why?”
“I was wondering if you’d like to come over for coffee. It’ll be just the two of us. We can catch up,” she coaxed.
“Sure, why not? Maybe you can give me some more ideas for the next time Wendy confronts me,” she agreed.
They parted ways. Tara left, relieved that there was still no sign of Jax. She could do this…be friends with his mother, she thought to herself. She just had to make sure that Jax wasn’t anywhere around at the time.
Jax got off the phone with his mom. She had told him that Tara was coming by her place for some coffee. She was going to get a whole lot more than that, he figured. It was all a part of the plan. He was grateful that Tara still felt comfortable around his mom. He didn’t think that he would have this chance, if she didn’t.
Wendy came through the door in tears. Jax turned towards her at the sound. The first thing he noticed, was the color of her hair.
“Oh my God, what the hell happened to your hair?” he asked, incredulously. “It’s blue.”
“That bitch that you used to sleep with, did this to me, I know it,” Wendy told him, angrily. “My hairdresser told me that I have to wait to have it redone because it would be harmful to my hair,” she complained.
Jax couldn’t help it, he laughed. It was such an unusual color.
“This…is…not…funny,” she remarked.
Jax tried to control his laughter, but it was difficult to do. “I can’t believe that you think that Tara had anything to do with this,” he told her, automatically defending her.
“Well, she did. You should have seen the way that that bitch laughed at me.”
If Jax didn’t know that his mom had been coaching Tara on how to be around the club, he wouldn’t have believed it. He couldn’t help it. This made him happy. If she had done something like this…does that mean that he still had a chance? Tara wouldn’t have done anything to Wendy if she didn’t care about him still.
“Well, I’m sorry that this happened to you-” Not, he added in his mind. “But I have to go since you’re home and can watch Abel.”
“Where the hell are you going? You have to take care of me,” Wendy cried. She wrapped her arms around his middle, hoping that he would comfort her. “Please don’t go,” she begged.
Jax disentangled himself from her arms. “I’m sorry…it’s club business. Besides…” he tried to keep a straight face. “I can’t look at you right now and not laugh. You don’t need that.”
Wendy stood shell-shocked, as she watched Jax leave. She vowed that she would get even with Tara, if it were the last thing she ever did.
TBC
Erika's Not-So-Secret Diary 